Millions Knives Reads Beauty and the Beast
by JasperK
Summary: Millions Knives Reads Beauty and the Beast (need any more be said?)


_AN: The first draft of this was written in October 2014 for Eden Evergreen. Thanks for all the Trigun awesome we have shared over the years!_

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 **Millions Knives Reads Beauty and the Beast**

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It was so late it was early. Legato lounged in the study chair looking through the books in the book shelf that covered an entire wall. Being decidedly tipsy, the one with a blood red rose and curly writing on the cover intrigued him. He squinted at the pages a bit. For some reason the words decided to dance. He looked at his drink, then at the book. He took another sip, perhaps it would convince the words to stay still.

"What are you doing? Knives asked as Legato turned the book upside down and squinted at it.

"Trying to read." He looked muzzily at Knives who had seated himself on the edge of the desk and had just picked up his wine glass. "Here, are the words staying still?"

Knives raised an eyebrow, and took the book disdainfully.

"Yes."

Legato sighed mournfully.

"I wanted to know the story."

Knives raised a second eyebrow as he read the front cover.

"It is _Beauty and the Beast_." He said scornfully. "A spider story."

"What's it about?"

Knives opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The words "I do not know" did not exist in his vocabulary. He scowled at Legato, but the man was trying to look at him, and somehow focusing on a spot a _fiel_ to the left of his head. Even as drunk as he was, Legato remembered things. Knives skimmed the page, he could make this quick if he summarised it. He cleared his throat.

" _There was this merchant. A stupid spider who didn't know his business and lost all his merchandise._ What?" Knives interrupted himself. "The merchant loses his merchandise by accident? This writer is defending his not having insurance? Ugh. This was a stupid idea."

"And then what happens?" Legato asked expectantly.

Knives had a battle with his pride and it won. As a compromise, he layered on the sarcasm as he read.

 _"This foolish human loses his merchandise. Then further displays his stupidity by getting lost on the way home. He finds a castle to stay in,_ how inordinately contrived _. A mysterious benefactor – another stupid human who is hiding due to his loathsome appearance – helps him out. Then the worthless merchant shows himself to be utterly untrustworthy and steals a rose…_ gah, who wrote this tripe? A female, a French female, figures. Romance appeals to those who find such emotions significant. Vash would like this drivel. Probably bawl his eyes out _."_

He made to put the book down.

"What happens to the man that stole the rose?" Legato asked. "I've never seen one, must be a very valuable plant."

Knives blinked at Legato's expectant look.

"Really? You want me to continue?"

Legato nodded. Knives rolled his eyes and picked up the book and skimmed a few pages and grimaced.

"It gets soppy to the point of nauseating. _Merchant steals rose. Mysterious benefactor turns out to be a ferocious beast._ Really? Ferocious? Why didn't he eat the merchant, or at least kill him? Would have done the economy a favour."

"Humans are not rational" Legato observed after thinking for a beat. "What does he do to the man?" He asked eagerly.

Knives took a deep breath then a long drink of his wine before continuing.

" Okay okay… Mmh." He found his place again. _"Ferocious Beast sends him packing with orders to deliver his prettiest daughter. Merchant does so, showing himself to be a spineless coward on top of it all. The girl must be glad; she escapes the pathetic tyranny of her father's inadequacies to arrive at the ferocious overt tyranny of the Beast. Lives with him. He only sees her at dinner._ What's with him? She's supposed to be pretty and pathetic and he's ferocious, this is not only utter rot, but inconsistent!"

"Does he eat her?" Legato asked.

Knives paused in his act of putting the book down. He brought it up to read. Legato's suggestion certainly improved the story. He almost gagged.

 _"He tries to break a curse with love?_ This is not soppy, it's insane!"

"Love?" Legato began to laugh.

Laughter was the farthest thing from Knives' sentiments. He spoke over Legato's annoying giggles.

"Not that funny, ah, where was I?" Knives grumbled mostly to him, but Legato fell silent and sipped at his drink as he listened. _"Beast, now a toothless coward before the girl, lets her return home 'cause she cries for her father._ Hang on, isn't she the key to breaking the curse? He's not only soft in the head, but stupider even than the merchant. … hmm… _she breaks her promise to return to the Beast. He dies of heartbreak…_ The stuff spiders invent! _Oh. He doesn't die. She returns in the nick of time and kisses him and he becomes a prince."_

Knives gaped at the book in revulsion. What was more was there were several other tales tucked into the same volume all with Beauty and the Beast as a theme.

"I think I just lost five minutes of my life to drivel." He then noticed the line by the books promoters on the back dust jacket. "One of the greatest fairytales? This? Spiders have no taste."

* * *

Meryl walked in to the common room of the boarding house they rented. She grumpily carried her typewriter and sheets of paper. She still had two days of reports to catch up and a certain red-coated gunman had been rather too busy for her liking. Wolfwood was asleep stretched out on the green sofa, a black cat lounging the same way on the backrest. Milly was writing home at the table by the window, surrounded by paper scrunches. Vash was all legs and coat tails hanging over the edge of the winged chair. He had comfortably ensconced himself there to read. She was surprised, she had pegged him more as a newspaper man, rather than a book man. She gave him a sharp second glance as she noticed him crying. He was reading a book with a fat rose on the cover and curly writing all down the spine. He noticed her looking and gave her a pathetically distressed stare.

"It's such a sad story!"

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Knives flipped through the book meaning to toss it back at Legato, then paused, and after a moment propped his chin on his hand to read.

"What is it?" Legato asked when he could stand the suspense no longer.

"Listen to this one, there is another tale here. _Bluebeard_. See! That is better! He kills the silly females, not bad for a spider."

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 _Fin!_


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